Seeing as how we’re stuck in the middle of a patriotic circle-jerk for the next two days, it only seems logical that we Americans express our patriotism by purchasing a bunch of meaningless crap.  (Just don’t buy it on credit, gotta stimulate that economy baby!)

1. George W. Bush Toilet Paper.

What’s the best way to commemorate the consensus worst president in American history, who left office with a stellar twenty-two percent approval rating? By wiping your ass with his face, of course.  (This one also comes in Barack Obama)

2. Sarah Palin Sex Doll.

My absolute favorite item on the list, for obvious reasons. Most of you have undoubtedly heard this this bitch try to give an interview, but not to worry! It doesn’t talk.  In fact, that may be the best thing about it.  You betcha!
 

3.  Barack Obama Bop Bag.

According to federal statistics, there are approximately fifteen million unemployed people out there who could almost certainly use a stress reliever.  You’re in luck.  For the low low price of $19.97, you can take out all of that anger, frustration, and starved energy on Barack Obama himself! (Well, sort of.)

4. American Flag Maxi Pad from Etsy.

You’re killing two birds with one stone here, ladies!  (Or men with uteri, of course.)  Not only are you maintaining excellent hygiene at the most critical time of the month, you’re making an unequivocal statement about your love for the United States of America.

5. Monica Lewinsky Cigars

The cigar may only be five inches long, but it’s not the size of the cigar, it’s how use it my friends.  (Just watch where you aim your ejaculate!)

It is for goofy, clever stunts like this that I really like Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe.

This video is definitely good for a laugh folks, especially if you’re a sports fan.

I just hope Chris remembers to double-pad that poor quarterback of his when they come to Kansas City, because Tamba Hali and Derrick Johnson will be out for his blood, as will all of Arrowhead.